The Most Interesting Man in the World

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike harmonica playing.

I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Meals in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.Using only a hoe and a large glass of water I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, and I was scouted by both the Braves and Cowboys. I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding.

On Wednesdays I repair electrical appliances free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal force demonstration. My batting average is over .400. My quarterback passing rating is 158. My deft floral arrangements have earned my fame in international botany circles. Children trust me, especially twins. I one read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed covert operations for the CIA.

I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me. A full tank of gasoline costs me one dollar.I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid on time. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four-course meals using only a Mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prize winning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

My charm is so contagious vaccines have been created for it. Years ago, I built a city out of Lego blocks. Today, over six hundred thousand people live and work there. I am the only man to ever ace a Rorschach test. Every time I go for a swim dolphins appear. Alien abductors have asked me to probe them. If I were to give you directions you'd never get lost and you'd arrive at least five minutes early. My legend precedes me the way lightning precedes thunder.

Even my parrot's advice is insightful. If there were an interesting gland, mine would be larger than most men's entire lower intestines. My shirts never wrinkle. I am ambidextrous. I once knew a call was a wrong number, even though the person on the other end wouldn't admit it. You can see my charisma from outer space.

My beard alone has experienced more than a lesser man's entire body. My blood smells like cologne. On every continent in the world, there is a sandwich named after me. In every known galaxy, there is a planet named for me. I don't believe in using oven mitts, nor potholders. My cereal never gets soggy. It sits there, staying crispy, just for me. My pillow talk is years ahead of its time. I taught a horse to read my e-mail for me. Respected archaeologists fight over my discarded apple cores.

I once had an awkward moment, just to see how it feels. My organ card even lists my beard. I've been known to cure narcolepsy by just walking into a room. I'm so magnetic I can't carry credit cards. My reputation is expanding faster than the universe. I live vicariously through myself. I say nothing tastes like chicken...not even chicken. I once lowered the sea level by throwing sponges into the ocean.

I can burp-speak in multiple languages. In college I convinced twin girls that I too had a twin, and I switched between my twin personas when the mood fit. During college I never wore shoes in class. I have worked as a construction worker, commercial fisherman, newspaper writer and attorney all in the same day. I once let three men punch me in the face to see if I could feel pain. I've won three consecutive disco dance contests.

The police often question me, just because they find me interesting. I once punched a magician. That's right. You heard me. When I order a salad, I get the dressing right there on top of the salad, where it belongs...where there is no turning back. If a monument was built in my honor, Mt. Rushmore would close due to poor attendance. I don't just stick with flour or corn tortillas, but mix freely between the two.People hang on my every word, even the prepositions. I could disarm you with my looks, or my hands, either way. I can speak French in Russian. It is said the sun comes up later on the 6th of May, in case my Cinco parties run long. The Mayans prophesied my birth. Even lucha libres remove their masks in my presence. I once taught a German shepherd to bark in Spanish.

I once buried a time capsule full of things that haven't happened yet. I have been pronounced dead 7 times...make that 8. My bear hugs are actually hugs I give to bears. I can't be bought, but my beard clippings have been know to show up at auction. I have never lost a sock. If I disagree with you, it is because you are wrong. I was once 100% certain about being uncertain.

Most songs about love are written for me, about me, or by me. I'd never initiate a conversation about the weather, even in a typhoon. I'm against cruelty to animals, but I'm not afraid to issue a stern warning. Whatever side of the tracks I'm currently on is the right side. If I crossed them, I would still be the right side. I won the same lifetime achievement award twice. When I go to a restaurant waiters tip me.

My toe-nail clipping are considered legal tender in some third world countries. I was going to become a god, but felt it was a lateral move. When I was born, the doctors thought that I was such a beautiful baby that they smoked Cuban cigars with me in the delivery room to congratulate me on a job well done.

I voted for Obama, just to see the chaos. When I wake up the roses smell me. I was once found guilty of being innocent. I sleep with a night light, not because I'm afraid of the dark but because the dark is afraid of me. I hold a Doctorate in Originality which I teach at Stanford where no one ever passes. When I go skydiving Peregrine Falcons always trail behind me. When I look in the mirror there's never a reflection, not because of vampirism, but because I'm only one of a kind. I can defeat anyone in a game of chess without making any moves. A leader of a country once took a bullet for me on a failed assassination attempt.

I have written proof that the Bermuda triangle is actually a parallelogram. I once put myself up as collateral. I am so respected, even my enemies list me as their emergency contact number. I once licked a poisonous frog just to see what would happen. I once snapped my wife's bra strap just to see what it felt like to get slapped in the face. I have stopped chickens from crossing the road and I know which came first. I save seals from drowning. Raccoons admire my dexterity.I know who killed JFK. I won the arms race. I can see the Northern Lights from South America. I counsel the Dalai Lama on matters of spirituality. The Pope once requested an audience with me.

I invented string theory from discarded dental floss. If I woke up on the wrong side of the bed I would still have a good day. I hold the world record for holding the most world records. I know exactly how many blondes it takes to change a light bulb. If your GPS is slow, it's because it's waiting for my response. I watched as Neil Armstrong landed on the moon... from the moon. I can play Mozart and Beethoven on the piano at the same time. I am smarter than a fifth grader.