Of headphones and men, part deux

Not too long ago, I wrote about an incredibly absurd rule at Fort Sill that allowed Soldiers in PT uniform to wear headphones in the gyms, but only if the Soldiers were actually exercising on a treadmill, elliptical machine, or other cardio equipment. Some Sergeant Major, with apparently nothing better to do, once actually chased me down in a gym and tried to "enforce" that rule on me, solely because I committed the egregious offense of walking to the weight room while listening to music. The rule has since been changed, thanks to my questioning of it to senior leadership.

Not to be outdone, however, one of our illustrious commanders here at Camp Arifjail has decided to crack down, as it were, on some serious offenders at our outdoor pool. There are apparently things going on here that are so appalling, so unconscionably heinous even, that two new rules are about to be put into effect, or else the terrorists will win, and the Earth will stop spinning on its axis (if you believe that sort of thing). The first new rule makes Spandex shorts (a.k.a. "jammers") inappropriate, effectively banning swimsuits from the pool for guys. The second one, still under consideration, outlaws waterproof headphones.

I am not making either of these up.

Until recently, the only real dress code for pool patrons was no thongs, no two-piece suits for women, and no Speedo-style suits for men. Too easy, right? Well, for some guy a couple of weekends ago, apparently not. He was wearing knee-length jammers, the kind many swimmers like me wear when working out. Skin-tight yet modest, they normally cover far more than the bottoms of women's one-piece suits. Normally, that is, except for one Mr. Upper Thigh Tan Guy, who apparently felt it necessary to not only wear his jammers while tanning on the pool deck, but to hike the legs up to get more of an even tan closer to his crotch.

I confess I don't know the whole story, but apparently someone complained, pool management got involved, and suddenly the Area Support Group (ASG)-Kuwait unit leadership was aghast that guys were even being allowed to wear Spandex at the pool to begin with. So they called for a review of the policy -- and this is where the story gets stupid. Any leader worth his or her salt would at least call the alleged criminal's commander, ensure he or she was banned from the pool for a week or so, then drive on to bigger and better things like fresh bananas in the chow hall or fixing the rampant A/C problems here. That would make sense.

Instead, the leadership of ASG-Kuwait has astutely deemed it necessary to ban Spandex swimming suits for guys. That's right, hundreds of grown men who already comply with the very simple rules are now being punished for the actions of a handful of idiots, because some of the people in leadership positions are too lazy to enforce said simple rules. So now we all have to cover up with loose shorts that, arguably, can be less modest -- but not the ladies and their one-piece suits. Women are still allowed to wear Spandex and show off all their bumpy parts, camel toes, and moose knuckles but if you're a guy, you're screwed. OK, so there aren't hundreds of guys wearing jammers, but this new rule will apply to people like me -- those of us who swim endless miles at the butt-crack of dawn, when hardly anyone else is there -- despite the fact that we're not the ones prancing around the pool deck with our ass cheeks hanging out.

So I also found out that ASG-Kuwait is even considering a ban on waterproof iPod/headphone use in the pool, for no reason whatsoever other than someone "might get shocked." All I can say about that is, "what the hell?" It's OK to use headphones on treadmills, and even on the outdoor tracks -- but they will no longer be allowed in the pool. The new rule will allow iPods on the pool deck, however. Maybe someone complained when I used mine during all those endless laps to win the 21-mile "English Channel" race last month.

Besides, using an iPod on a treadmill is dangerous! I once fell off a treadmill while trying to pick up my iPod, which had slipped out of its case as I started a run. It was quite a comical scene made for YouTube -- me stopping running, obviously forgetting I'm on the thing, trying to pick up the iPod, falling on my butt on the treadmill which is now at full running speed, then flinging off of it and onto the floor. It happened in full view of everyone in the room, but the only thing I hurt was a little of my pride. Good thing there were no video cameras around.

Now most of you are probably thinking that if a ban on jammers and waterproof headphones is all I have to complain about on a so-called deployment, then life here must be pretty good. And you'd be right. Well, besides the perpetually incorrect movie schedules at the theater, the utter lack of fresh produce or enough Nintendo Wii's at the PX, or the fact that I have to pay $35 a month for crappy wireless Internet service in my room.

But all that aside, it's pretty sad when so-called leaders have nothing better to do than worry about these things. They must have so much time on their hands that all they do is sit around their offices, dreaming up more senseless rules to enforce on their minions. Forcing these ridiculous, junior-high dress codes on mostly responsible adults -- most of whom wear uniforms every day anyway -- is just plain asinine, especially when those that are making up these arbitrary rules don't even bother coming to the pool.

I guess my high school Physics teacher was right: common sense ain't so common. Maybe I'll just have to be a blatant double-offender. But only in the mornings, at the butt-crack of dawn.